Why these 3 pieces of common advice don’t work (and can make behavior worse)

That advice works for everyone else, why not me!?

When it comes to advice, there is a ton of it out there. Heck, I give out advice regularly (with the caveat that my strategies often will need to be customized and individualized, but still). Why do common pieces of advice sometimes fail us and make behavior worse? Here are three examples that I have seen come back and bite people (even me…) on multiple occasions.

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First piece of common advice:
“When they do that, just say No [behavior].”

This can be no biting, no hitting, no stealing, no sneaking…no anything. When it works, the child knows exactly what you would like them to stop doing and the communication is simple and to the point. This is not bad advice!

With some kids, not only does it not work, but it makes behavior worse. What gives?  Here are a few reasons why this may not work in your favor.

One reason saying NO may not work: You are providing what they wanted in the first place

If they rile up more when you say no, this is a hint that the behavior may be maintained (at least in part) by getting your attention. When they hear the “no” they know that they have succeeded in catching your eye.

But what did they do to catch your eye so that they can do it again? In the case of No hitting! they now know that “hitting” is what got your attention. Not only did you acknowledge that they succeeded in getting you to pay attention to them, they got you to tell them how to do it again in the future! Yipe! No wonder this can make behavior worse!

Quick tip: If you are in this situation, consider switching to saying what they should be doing instead of what they should stop doing. Bonus point if what they should be doing will block them from doing what that shouldn’t. For the example of hitting, you could say any of the following:

Click here for examples of this tip in action

• Hands to self
• Hands in pockets
• Hands on table
• Hands together
• Clap hands

Yes, you are still providing attention, but you are also letting them know the better behavior to choose in that moment. On top of that, it is difficult (albeit not impossible) to put your hands on the table and hit someone at the same time (which is a bonus!)

Here is another example. Instead of “no biting”, you could consider saying one of the following:

• Mouth to self
• Mouth is for eating
• Hold a bubble [in your cheeks]
• Whistle with me

Again, these focus on actions that a child can do instead of biting and many are difficult to do while biting. A bad example would be if I used “clap hands” when a child is biting, as they can easily clap hands and continue to bite.

Second piece of common advice:
“Just ignore it and it’ll go away.”

There are some times that I give this advice, but I don’t give it all the time. When it’s good advice, it’s paired with teaching a skill that the child can use instead of the behavior we are ignoring. As well, it’s good advice for behaviors that are relatively harmless, like protesting or fussing. I mean to say that like with the example above, this can be good advice some of the time.

So when is it not and why does is make behavior worse sometimes? Here are a few big reasons:

Reason #1 that ignoring may not work: You can ignore it until you can’t ignore it any more

So they protest and you ignore it. Then they flop to the floor and tantrum and you ignore it. Then they start slamming cabinets and you simply can’t ignore it because they may slam their fingers.  You stop ignoring and choose to keep them safe and intervene. It is the right choice to keep your child safe (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise) AND there is a downside to this moment. Now the child knows that protesting and tantrums don’t work to get your attention, but slamming things does. They will likely start with or move to slamming more quickly next time they are upset, making the tantrums more unsafe more often. Oh no!

Quick tip: If you are ignoring a behavior and it starts to get out of control, intervene for safety while minimizing how much you are talking so that safety is first but you are not rewarding the behavior with a ton of attention.

Click here for examples of this tip in action

When I decide to intervene instead of continuing to ignore a behavior, I avoid eye contact, I say as little as possible, and keep it to simple directions or statements.  I focus on a calm tone and I help the child get back to a safe place without adding a ton of attention.  Once they are calm enough to interact with, we can talk it out if needed, but not until they are calmed down.

• If I need to move them back to a safe area, I might say: “I’m going to lift you back onto the couch”
• If I need to block them from going to another area for safety, I might say: “We need to stay in this room and take deep breaths together”
• If they are saying self-deprecating things, I might say: “You are worthy and I am here for you.”

Reason #2 that ignoring may not work: It’s hard to ignore the right thing the right way

Here is what we say: ignore the behavior, not the child. For example, if you are ignoring when you child says bad words, you continue with conversation as if they were never said. That’s ignoring the bad words. You can under ignore and accidentally give attention to the behavior or over ignore and create a situation where the child is left out for no reason. Here are examples:

• UNDER-IGNORING: You tell them you are ignoring the behavior after they do the behavior (“I’m ignoring that you said a curse word”) – you just acknowledged and provided attention for the behavior
• OVER-IGNORING: You end the conversation and completely ignore them – if they were cursing to try to get you to go away, they just succeeded. Otherwise, you are now withholding attention for everything and not just the target (which may be advisable in some situations, but can also make a kid feel really alone and unsupported; we don’t want that.)

Quick tip: If you want to ignore a behavior, write down exactly what that behavior is in very specific terms. If you can, have someone film you while you are trying to ignore the behavior so that you can make sure you are not accidentally providing attention (under-ignoring) or ignoring other behaviors you shouldn’t be (over-ignoring).

Click here for examples of this tip in action

When you watch the video, look for times that you provided any reaction to the challenging behavior including:

• Sighing
• Rolling your eyes
• Saying anything to or about them including “I’m ignoring you”
• Shooting a look at them
• Grimacing and tightening your face

As well, watch for times when you may have been ignoring more than the target behavior.  For example, if you are ignoring screaming to get a cookie or more electronics time, you may still want to provide attention for:

• Asking for some water
• Pointing out that a bird is in the window
• Taking a deep breath on their own

This is to say, if your child begins to self redirect and you are over ignoring, you are missing a golden opportunity to help them develop self-regulation.

Reason #3 that ignoring may not work: They don’t care about your attention in this moment

We touched on this briefly in the last section with over-ignoring: if they are doing something to try to get you to go away, ignoring is rewarding the bad behavior. They acted out and you stopped bothering them. As well, if they are acting out to sneak something, then you ignoring may have just given them the opportunity to do that. It gets tricky if you don’t know the “why” behind the behavior.

Quick tip: Make sure you know WHY the behavior is occurring before choosing ignoring as an intervention. If you are uncertain, consider scheduling a free Discovery Call to talk about the situation and see if an assessment is advisable.

Click here for examples of this tip in action

If they are screaming to get something,  ignoring may simply be continuing the conversation while refraining to acknowledge the scream.

If they are throwing things to get you to pay attention to  them, ignoring may look like silently putting away things that they may throw while avoiding eye contact.

Remember: you can ignore the behavior while providing guidance on what they can do instead.  While you are putting those things away, you could calmly say “tap mommy’s should for attention” or “say excuse me” and refrain from further communication until they have properly asked for your attention.

Third and final piece of common advice:

“Don’t worry! They will grow out of it.”

This can certainly be true, to a degree (click the picture at right to find a book that focuses on what is “normal” for your child’s age). Some kids just need a little more time before they are ready for potty training or will see others using their words to express emotions and will start doing it too, but I want to be very clear on this point: this is the exception, not the rule.

The ability to pick up skills by just getting older is pretty much impossible. Often, we in behavior analysis will classify this phenomenon as “spontaneous generalization” or “copying a model”. Most kids need direct lessons on how to generalize a skill to new situations AND on how to copy a model effectively. The research backs this: kids don’t just get older and suddenly get new skills! There is a lot of background learning that leads to it seeming that way.

Let’s break it down. Here are three reasons why just letting them ‘grow out of it’ may not work:

If you are uncertain if a behavior is “normal” for your child’s age, you might consider looking into a book like Ages and Stages, available on Amazon.

Reason #1 that they may not grow out of it: They haven’t developed the background skills

Like I said above, there are skills that kids need to develop in the background in order to ‘grow out of’ certain behaviors or to pick up more visible skills. Think of it like the set of a movie. We can see the actor come onto the set all ready to go, watch them deliver the lines, and have a beautiful, clean take. There was a ton of background work to get them there! Makeup, costume, practicing the lines, meeting with the director…so much goes in to them showing up and knowing what to do.

It’s the same with kids. Imagine the set is your living room and the scene is “sharing toys”. They may know their lines (Can I have a turn?) but if they don’t have the skill to accept no, to negotiate appropriately, to wait, to get someone’s attention, to ask for an adult’s help if they need it, and to ask without grabbing, it is going to take a loooong time before you get a clean take. Growing up is not just the passage of time, but the development of these background skills.

Quick tip: Think about what skills are hidden behind and in the background. If you are waiting for a child to grow out of something or to gain a little maturity before you try to teach them something, work on these background skills in the meantime.  There is no need to rush as rushing a child who isn’t ready will almost certainly make behavior worse.

Click here for examples of this tip in action

The most common time this advice is giving is around potty training (FYI-we have potty training boot camps to help you!)  If they are not yet showing all of the signs for potty training readiness (consult your pediatrician on this; as well, Pampers has a readiness quiz that you can find HERE), consider working on these background skills:

• Following multi-step directions: You will need this skill to get them independent with potty training
• Identifying when something is wet vs dry: Do they know what these words really mean?  Take out two napkins and get one wet.  Put the napkins out and ask them to pick up the wet or dry one.  If they pick up the wrong one, you know this is a skill they need to fully understand being wet and dry during potty training.

Reason #2 that they may not grow out of it: They quite enjoy where they are, thank you very much

Some kids don’t ‘grow out of’ things because they really don’t want to. It’s easier to drink from a bottle than a sippy cup. It’s easier to have dad make you breakfast than to make it yourself. It’s easier to lay on the couch all day than to get a job. This does not make them lazy or unintelligent, it makes them very efficient at getting what they want…unfortunately.

Quick tip: If you think this is the issue, make the right choice easier than the wrong one. Flip the script!

Click here for examples of this tip in action

 I love Dr Friman’s example: if it’s easier to have you make the bed for them than for them to make it themselves, go in and “help” them make it. Put on your best perfectionist acting face and get ready to cross your t’s and dot your i’s. Take note of every detail. Redo parts that are not perfect. Take as long as possible and insist that they stay involved the entire time. The next day, ask if they would like to do it themselves or if they would like your “help” again. Most kids will choose the easy route and do it themselves.

Dr. Friman is a behavior analyst that I have studied under and I aspire to practice as well as he.  He is an amazing speaker; here is one of my favorite talks he gives on happy, healthy, and well behaved children.  It’s worth watching!

Reason #3 that they may not grow out of it: They really need some direct instruction and support

I have watched many movies. After all of that study, I am still not an accomplished actor. What gives? Well, I would need some direct training to get that skill down. Others may be good actors more quickly than I or need less training than I do. The same goes for kids: some seem to just get it and others need a little more support. That’s ok. There is nothing wrong with your kid. They may be missing a background skill or could be choosing the easier route BUT it may just be that they need a little direct teaching to get it down.

Quick tip: Remind yourself regularly that it’s totally normal to need support to learn a skill and then find the support that they need to succeed.

Click here for examples of this tip in action

My child and I am worthy of support.

My child and I are good and we are strong.

Getting support is self care and I WILL care for myself so that I can be the best version of me.

In conclusion

People don’t give advice to be malicious and they are not trying to make your life harder or make behavior worse; they are trying to help.  None the less, not all advice is good or helpful for your specific situation.  If you are ever wondering “why didn’t this work for me?” send it over and we can talk it out!

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