The power of saying yes is real and still, you have to say no a lot as a parent. No, you can’t touch the hot stove. No, you can’t play video games until 4am on a school night. No, you can’t go see your friends right now. Nope, we are not having ice cream for breakfast. Markers go on paper, NOT on the walls, put them away. You absolutely may not cut my hair or your own hair, or the dog’s hair for that matter. And it doesn’t matter how badly any of us need a trim, just no.
Whether it’s due to safety concerns, family values, health, or because it would be really annoying if they did, you have to stop a lot of your kid’s ideas. Often, this can feel like your job is to suck the fun out of the room. It sucks to be the bad guy and with all of the time people are spending together right now, there are a lot of opportunities to have to say NO and get blamed for being no fun.
So what can we do? Easy answer might be to say yes.
When things are really weird for your family and schedules are mixed up (such as during a move, at the transition into the school year, or during an international health crisis), it can be good to let out a few more yeses for a few reasons:
1) Power of saying yes: You get to be the good guy
You just said yes to something zany! You win the “being really cool right now” award! Water fight in the yard? I’m in. Put a purple streak in your hair? Sure, why not. Hang streamers from the bedroom fan? Yep, let’s do it. Sleep in a tent in the living room? I’ll get the sleeping bags.
It can be really empowering to be able to say yes and to take a moment to lead something new and exciting for your kids. Also, you don’t have to wait on them to ask. Consider suggesting some new out-of-the-box ideas that they never expected you to offer. You will get to work your creativity and create a built in yes!
2) Power of saying yes: You get to NOT be the bad guy
Sometimes, it’s nice to not have to be the one to stop the creativity in the name of maturity. It’s okay to go You know what? This isn’t a safety issue, I’ll say yes this time. Of course if there is a safety or values issue, you have to be the adult and say no.
As well, if it’s going to cause you undue stress or really throw off things, you may need to say no. BUT, for those situations where it’s just something out of the ordinary, by all means consider a yes!
One valid concern: will this set a precedent?
This can be an issue: allow it once and they will bring it up for eternity (“Remember that time we did XYZ? Can’t we do it again? Please please PLEASE!?”) The best way to combat this is to set up an expectation and to be very, very consistent. Here are a few examples:
- “While school is out for COVID, we can do chalk in the garage. Once things are back to normal, chalk will only be allowed on the side walk again.”
- “I will say yes to bubbles in the house, but only during bath time.”
- “If you finish your school work, we can have your choice of dessert.”
The first example sets up a time frame expectation. When time is up, they can no longer expect a yes. Sure, they may ask once or twice after the expiration date, but if you continue to state and stick to your guns, they will move on quickly.
The second gives a time and place expectation. This is a yes, but only at this certain time and place. Otherwise, you will say consistently say no.
The third gives a first-then contingency wherein the yes will happen if the rule is followed. As long as this is the only time the reward is given, you are set. Again, be consistent. Don’t throw out the reward willy-nilly and don’t hold it back when they have met the expectation.
3) Power of saying yes: You will get to make a memory together
When the times of social distancing and self-isolation are through, do you want your kids to recount how bored they were or how you found a way to make beautiful memories? This is an amazing opportunity to create some community with your family, to take this time and make it special. You can set yourself up for future conversations like…
“Hey mom? Remember when things were really weird and we had a mash potato battle in the back yard? That was really cool.”
“That was so much fun when we ate breakfast in the front lawn with the neighbors!”
“You were bored during quarantine? You should have been at our house! We painted dad’s toe nails a new color every week!”
Times like these can be stressful on kids, if not traumatizing. By adding in a few extra yeses and making some memories together, you can combat the chances that this time will be remembered as hard, lonely, or trying. Instead, you are using this time together to make something magical.
So, our advice is to find some times to say yes, take advantage of the silver linings where you can find them, make some memories, and look forward to thinking back on this time in the future.
Will we get through this? Yes.
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