Your child has difficulty letting go of technology for even short periods of time and cannot handle losing or ending games. You need to know why this is happening and, more importantly, what you can do to help. Technology tantrums are no fun for anyone.
Don’t worry, you are not alone.
I have worked with and around hundreds of children, many of which experience tantrums and melt downs. These behavior problems are hard on children and everyone who happens to be in their vicinity. Intensity can range from annoying whining or embarrassing public fits all the way up to violent outbursts and dangerous self injury. These behaviors make your child miserable and complicate your family life. But why do they happen? The most common trigger parents have reported to me revolves around technology.
Trying to get access to the tablet. Lamenting taking turns with the phone. Having to pause a video game. Losing a game or having trouble with a level. Being told that they have to put it down and do something else (homework, anyone?). Having someone else play the game without them.
I recall a single severe tantrum case wherein a parent did NOT report some aspect of technology as one of the triggers for their child. Just one.
You are not alone in this struggle and you are in very good company. Many (if not most) good parents with good kids struggle with some aspect of technology. Having this struggle does not make you kid a bad kid and does not make you a bad parent. You are here, looking for resources aren’t you? That puts you a step above.
That being said, this is still a problem and it still needs to be dealt with. If your child is using inappropriate behavior to express their feelings or to air their frustrations, doing nothing is teaching them that that is alright. It’s not. They are developing a short fuse and a low tolerance for mild discomfort, both of which will not serve them as adults. A big part of parenting is teaching your children how to react safely and effectively to the world around them and this, my friend, is a perfect teaching opportunity. Sound daunting? It is, but we are here to help.
Here are five things you can do right now to start you on a better path:
Set and keep a few clear rules around technology
Clear rules can stop technology tantrums. The key to this is not to go overboard and put rules on every aspect of every thing. Instead, focus on what causes the most stress and drama in your life.
Think about the times that matter most to you when technology gets most in the way. Maybe it’s during meals or around homework or when you need them to pause to you can use the technology for a minute, or maybe it’s when they lose a game and react intensely. Now, look at what you want to occur instead (e.g., what behavior could replace the bad reaction) and what good things could happen if it did. I want you in a “my child can choose a new behavior and earn rewards” mindset instead of a “my child will do the wrong thing and get punished” mindset. There is a time and place for punishment, but it’s not the best place to start.
Make sure that the rules are attainable for your kids. If they can’t stand 5 seconds of delay in accessing the tablet and you say they need to wait all day, you are setting both you and them up for failure. They will likely throw a fit and you will likely give in or get mad, neither of which is helpful. As they gain more skills, your rule can change to match.
Make sure that they want what they can earn. I have a few examples below, but trying to copy them word for word when you know that your kids couldn’t care less about, say, silly straws is a recipe for disaster. You are going to need to customize the reward to your child. Think about how you can make it as natural as possible as well. Sure, if a kid likes cookies giving them a cookie after they do something good can work, but do you want to be carrying cookies around and handing them to your kid all the time? Maybe not. Try to keep things as natural as possible by looking at what they are already getting or what makes sense for a particular situation and making it contingent on better choices.
As well, write the rules for the adults so that every detail is clear and every adult is on the same page. You can simplify them when you present them to your kids during practice (see that up next) but every adult must fully understand the rules in place before you attempt to put them to use.
Some examples:
- When daddy says “Dinner is starting!”, Kiki will put the tablet in the basket and come to the table within 60 seconds in order to get a swirly straw for her juice.
- When mommy asks for the phone, they will pause their game and hand it to her within 5 seconds of being asked in order to have access to the phone the next day.
- Within 10 seconds of the timer going off, Steph will save the game and turn off the computer in order to watch a movie before bed.
You’ll notice a pattern to these rules: (1) a cue is presented so that the child knows it’s time to act, (2) a time limit is presented so that they know how long they have to act, (3) the act itself is described, and (4) what will happen if they do what they are supposed to is clear. Be very specific and extremely clear so that you know what you are planning to do. If they choose not to follow the rule, the good thing that was going to happen simply won’t happen.
Always remember that it’s more your job to follow the rules than it is your child’s job. If you can’t, won’t, or don’t want to stick to a rule, do yourself the favor of not making it in the first place.
Practice can help stop technology tantrums. Now that you have a new rule, it’s time to communicate it, practice succeeding at following it, and get that reward.
Most of the time, we set a rule and bring down the hammer when it’s broken as a way of teaching consequences. Sure, this works most of the time, but it can back fire and it doesn’t teach a child what they should be doing instead of the problem behavior. Let’s focus on teaching them a better way to react and rewarding that so that they have a path to winning instead of a path to punishment.
So, here is what you do:
- When you are completely away from the real situation and everything is calm, tell them you are going to try something new together. Did I mention that you are completely away from the actual problem situation and that everything is calm? Because that’s important.
- State the rule in a way that they will understand (Kiki, when I say Dinner is Starting, you will have one minute to put the phone in the basket and come to the table. If you are their in time, you can pick a silly straw for your drink.)
- Show them how it’s done by acting it out as if you were them doing it right and getting the reward. Be as amusing and fun as possible with it! They may want to pretend they are the parent providing you the reward or look at you like your nuts. Either way, they can’t say you didn’t show them what you expected.
- Have them show you. Practice until they can do every step without you needing to help them (e.g., after dad says dinner is starting, Kiki puts the phone away and comes to the table with no further interaction). It’s totally okay to break practice up, but they have to do it right in practice and actually get the reward before you move on.
Now that you have practiced, let them know that the rule is in place and be ready to help them through the real thing. They will likely excel the first time and then peter off a bit, or rebel the first time and then fall into line. Stick with it, change takes time. If it gets to be too much, call in support.
Look at your family’s technology consumption as a whole
If setting a few clear rules hasn’t stop technology tantrums or if there are too many bad situations to create rules for, consider looking at your technology use as a whole.
Can you create more interactive technology time?
If everyone is going to be plugged in, might as well spend some of the time plugged into the same thing. Sometimes having technology as a part of family time (instead of a block to family time) can help create a change.
Can you flip the script?
If you find that more time is spent on technology than off or that there is a battle to get “tech free” time, you might want to change your mindset on the matter. See the next bullet for more on this.
Create tech free time (not what you may think it is)
Most people think “tech free” time is when time is set aside for no technology. This is one way to go about it, but let’s try a different mindset: what if it is free time to use technology? Having this time safe for use of tech can help stop technology tantrums: this little change in mindset can make a huge difference in the way you approach the problem.
Let’s say that you have a tech free time (meaning a time with NO tech) currently. Maybe it’s no technology after 5pm. Ok wonderful! So technology is allowed at all other hours of the day? That’s kind of what this implies and may be setting yourself up for failure.
Instead, let’s try one of these:
- Technology free-for-all time is after homework is complete and before dinner
- Technology time is Friday and Saturday night only
- Technology is available 9am-11am on Saturdays
- Tech Time is 9am-5pm on weekdays and not on weekends
Call it what you please and make the times fit your family. This makes it very clear when technology IS available. Link these times with a rule (e.g., you earn technology free time when you do XYZ) and you will be in an even better spot.
Getting support can stop technology tantrums. This is hard and you are not alone. Not in this struggle and not in turning it around. Their are millions of parents like you struggling with the same things and all of them–including you!–deserve support through the difficult process of changing how technology effects your child and your life.
Here are a few options:
- NO COST: Call or email us your questions and we will do our best to answer them
- 1/2 hour discovery call (NO COST): We will be happy to give you a one hour consultation, no strings attached. If appropriate, moving forward with services will be an option. Click here to schedule your Free Discovery call.
Whether you have tried everything and it hasn’t worked or you have decided to find support before things get worse, we are happy to talk about what we can do to help.
Don’t forget that they are not a bad child, you are not a bad parent, and we are here to help. Almost everyone deals with technology tantrums and you don’t have to go at it alone! Feel free to give us a call or send a message if you have any questions or if you want to schedule a free consultation.
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